i can't do this on my own...

I keep telling myself that it all happened for a reason.. I'm the person that I am today because of them.. If that all hadn't happened, I wouldn't have the outlook on the world that I do.. I keep saying it happened for the better as painful as it all is but, I need to face it.. This was never what I wanted.. This was never what I asked for.. They were the people that were keeping me alive each day.. I gave up so much for them and we made some of the best memories together.. They introduced me to new things and made me so much more confident.. I really couldn't thank them enough for that.. I didn't know that it was only going to last for that short period of time though.. I honestly thought that it was all going to be my forever.. But they all abandoned me and made me feel so worthless.. They all just threw me away like they said they never would.. I wish that I had listened to everyone else.. I wouldn't be as hurt as I am now.. I've written so much to them and about them, but they'll never read it.. They'll never understand what they did to me.. They'll never understand how big of an impact they had on my life.. I don't think they ever will know that they changed me and are the reason why I am who I am.. But now, I just look back on all the memories with a pain in my chest and just let the tears fall as I cry myself to sleep over it knowing I'll never have it again.. Now, I'll have to deal with them looking at me with cruel eyes as if I'm just another stranger.. I'll have to go on having so much to say to them but never getting a chance to tell them.. I'll just have to deal with losing them.. I'll just have to try and forget about them and be strong but when it all comes down to the truth.. I can't do this on my own... ='(

Halwa telinga pendengar...

adakah anda mendengar saya jika saya menyanyi untuk anda..

dengan mata penuh air mata?

bagaimana pula jika saya menjerit dengan suara mendatar..

sambil melihat muka anda satu persatu?

adakah anda mendengar saya jika saya menghiris ke atas tangan saya..

dengan gelembung-gelembung darah?

bagaimana pula jika saya menulis di langit

dengan menyusun semula awan kepada perkataan-perkataan saya?

adakah anda mendengar saya jika saya menulis dengan darah..

dari luka-luka yang pernah ditinggalkan pada badan saya?

bagaimana pula jika saya menggunakan nafas terakhir saya..

dengan berbisik ke telinga anda dengan tenang?

adakah anda mendengar saya sekarang?

semua perkataan yang saya fikir, tetapi anda tidak membenar saya katakan?

Lord, I ask u...

Dear Lord, I ask you why it hurts to pray...

I've tried to hold on as I slip away...

And when I think of being out of place. Where I don't belong...

Is it my death wish or just my shortfall again?

I pray for Your grace...

 Forgiveness...

 I beg...

My Story...

My heart could never ache as much as this again.. I'm in a real pain, something I never imagine a girl like me would have to go through it..
There is no one to be blamed except myself.. If I were not that coward, if I'm a little braver and if I'm being myself, I might get all his attention.. Even before that, I already got his attention..
Well, the only beautiful regret was I could not bring myself to confess to him personally..
My instincts told me a lot of things.. I just dare not accept the reality.. Now, I felt all the pains because I am no longer by his side or maybe we just happened to be at the same place and same time a lot of times..
They said, " Both are not fated especially when they are besides each other but never talk nor notice each other's presence"
I always told myself that I just need to take this as a beautiful regret and all I need to do is just to move on.. Looking and sounding amazing in front of friends, I know I could never move on that easily anymore.. It may sounded disgusting, gross to describe that kind of feeling, but there is a smell, a feeling that only he has...

Berdua Bersatu...

kenapa cinta kita

selalu saja diduga

bagai ada tak merestu

kita berdua bersatu

atau mungkin kau dan aku

ditakdir untuk berpisah

walaupun melawan arus

kita berdua bersatu

seringkali ku mendengar

patah tumbuh hilang berganti

tetapi ku tidak mahu

cinta selain darimu

jika dengan mu salah

ku tak mahu yang benar

jka denganmu rebah biarlah ku tercalar

walau dilanda badai

kusanggup kerna ku mahu

kita berdua bersatu

jika dengan mu kabur

ku tak mahu yang jelas

jika dengan mu hanyut

biarlah aku lemas

walau dilanda ribut

kusanggup kerna ku mahu

kita berdua bersatu

^_^v

Nothing...

tarikh semalam melabuhkan tirai

syukur padamu tuhan

masih mampu bernafas

masih mampu berdiri

masih mampu berkata-kata

mengharapkan pada ihsan

namun jua gagal

kehancuran, kepedihan sekeping hati

diri sendiri hanya mengetahui

tidak lagi mengagungi

tidak lagi menyanjungi

pasrah saja dinihari

pastinya ada liku-liku dan cabaran

berperang mempertahankan

pasti jua rapuh

mengenangkan, menginggatkan

semakin lama semakin suram

sekarang berserah

biarlah menjadi suatu persinggahan

yang pernah bertaut di hati.....

18 November...

Happy Birthday To Me

Happy Birthday To Me

Happy Birthday To Nadya

Happy Birthday To Me

it's my birthday,

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been..

a day made for smile, laughter, happiness, and fun..

a day made just for me?

Don’t be sad for are another year older,

Be grateful for another year lived !

so enjoy every minute of it..

happy birthday to me..

This time...

here i again.. why? i'm not supposed to expose what i really think.. i didn't want this.. it's only makes me want to hide away.. but yet, why? i wonder why everything seems to be drawn by him.. all that i've been hiding is being dragged out.. what should i do? i didn't mind it.. that's right, i don't mind him.. i'm being dragged out by his straight forwardness.. it's a way of living that i'd forgetten a long time a go.. maybe i can try to remember it again how to show more of my true self.. and by doing that, i think i might just be able to get out of that long tunnel.. in truth, i also felt that a little.. but unfortunately for me that time has long since passed.. i don't get it even thought he said things like that and did things like that.. what's going on in that head of his? what is this? why am i so restless? i feel like i'm being left behind.. how rare to see him like this normally.. i hate in the end did things really have to turn out this way.. so resolute and true so much that it scares me.. why all of a sudden? emotions are with out of form of substance.. it's easy to laugh at those who make big promises based on feelings.. acting like they're so sure without knowing what the future holds.. it's much more difficult to believe in them.. and yet, without knowing why.. these day i find myself thinking that my job is fun again.. what the hell am i saying? sigh !!!

Buddy #1

Nur Raihan Md Ismail a.k.a gmok.. he he 


Yang aku ingat pasal dia:
-Kemetot (baka kot)
- Bertudung labuh (ouch..)
-Pernah mendapat gelaran 6 jahanam (eeuuuwww..)
-Terror bab kira-kira -,-
-26 June (aku ingat ok !)
-Tepung jagung 1 kampit, telor 6 biji, air mutlak 1 baldi (bhahahahahah)
-Abang bomba (ehemm)


Itu lah dia cik rehan... aku kenal dia hampir 5 tahun... pejam celik pejam celik aku tak sedar betapa lamanya kami berkawan baik... dia yang aku kenal semasa mula-mula memasuki ikm (tempat yang aku tak berapa nak expect sangat dapat hidup)... ouchh, teringat kembali saat-saat dulu... Niat masuk ikm memang nak belajar pun and pada masa yang sama nak muhasabah diri... tup tup kenal pula dia yang berperwatakan macam tu... ok aku mampu berubah kalau berkawan dengan dia... ohh yeahh !!! rehan seorang yang senyap pada dahulunya (tak berapa nak ramah tamah)... buntu aku kalau nak ajak dia borak-borak... haishhh... makin lama makin aku mengenali dia... jeng jeng jeng... aha.dia sebenarnya banyak cakap, kepoh, suka gosip !!! ok dia lebih terror dari aku... -,- bhahahahahah... semakin hari kami semakin rapat... kusangkakan panas hingga ke petang rupanya hujan di tengahari... huh !! aku tidak semakin rapat lagi... tapi masih berkawan baik... heee ... sehingga kan sewaktu latihan industri kami tidak bersama juga... sedih... ='( tapi tak apa... sekarang semuanya berada di hujung jari... contact sudah... heee werksss... =P
Satu hari tu, aku dapat mesej dari rehan... rehan ajak study semula... errr... apakah rehan ??? lantas aku berbincang dengan mak abah... hati tu memang tak berapa sure sangat nak pergi sambung sebab otak tu dah berkarat sikit (corrosion) sebab terperap hampir setahun dekat rumah... hukhuhuhu... tapi last-last aku pergi juga... ohh yeah !!! hampir gila aku tak percaya !!! -,- merantau di negeri orang... macam-macam ragam kami tempuhi... tak pernah kot sampai jauh tempat orang... jakun !!! aku banyak mengeluh pasal subject yang melibatkan kira-kira... tapi rehan selalu ingatkan aku.. 'jangan mengeluh.. kalau tak tahu, itu sebab kita pergi belajar'... ok -,- aku mengeluh lagi... 'jangan mengeluh.. tak baik.. boleh punya' pun ok -,- hingga kini aku mengeluh.. 'jangan mengeluh !! aku tampo kang!!' rehan semakin garang... ouchh -,-'' he he he
mengeluh punya mengeluh... alhamdulillah aku dah sampai sem 4... and friendship kitaorang pun dah 5 tahun... huuu suka >_<''..    rehan...


thanks sesangat sebab:
-ajar aku kira-kira -,-''
-ajak aku sambung study-,-
-sudi jadi buddy aku (ouch)
-susah senang kita sama-sama dekat sini =')
-ada masa aku perlukan
-dengar masalah-masalah aku... so touching.... ^_^